A minion of mine is apparently not using his lessons correctly…
A ninja-clad burglar was sent scurrying from a Staten Island kitchen early yesterday when the homeowner stabbed the samurai sneak in the shoulder.
Phil Chiolo said he had just gone to bed when he heard what sounded like a pan hit the kitchen floor about 1 a.m. in his Jefferson Ave. home in Dongan Hills.
“When I got into the kitchen, the door was jimmied open,” Chiolo said. “To my surprise, there was a man standing there dressed in a ninja costume, with nun-chucks and everything. All I saw was his eyes.”
The thief immediately struck Chiolo across his collarbone with the nun-chucks, he said.
The professional disk jockey tried to run.
“As I turn around, he hit me again in the back of the head,” Chiolo continued.
Chiolo clutched the kitchen counter, spotted a knife block on the top and grabbed a 4-inch blade.
“My intention was not to stab him,” he said. “I wanted to scare him, but he tripped over a kitchen chair and fell on his a–.”
Still swinging the nun-chucks, the ninja struck Chiolo on the leg. That’s when Chiolo plunged the knife deep into the burglar’s shoulder.
“He showed absolutely no sign of pain,” said Chiolo, who lives with his brother, Richard. “He was either high on something or completely numb. He got up with the knife still in him and ran out the kitchen door.”
Chiolo called the cops, but the burglar, believed to be responsible for 13 other heists in the area, was still on the loose last night.
First, can I say that his use of the Pain-Shui technique worked well. Now for something really deep. All of my minions do not under any circumstances hurt or maim innocents. I want to know what his supposed “victim” is hiding…
Update Via Knife Blabber
Despite fleeing an area home with a steak knife sticking out of him nearly three weeks ago, Staten Island’s “Ninja Burglar” remained at large Tuesday, having committed at least two and possibly four more burglaries since and causing widespread insomnia in the New York City borough as homeowners huddled in their kitchens fondling their cutlery and hoping for another chance to pin the tail on this jackass.
Borough police chief Albert Girimonte has had enough of being made to look like a fool by a grown man wearing a Halloween costume and has therefore dedicated two task forces comprising 36 officers to catching the Ninja. One team consists of two dozen patrol officers and the other of a dozen detectives. Girimonte did not disclose whether or not they are equipped with tactical anti-ninja steak knives.
Forensic psychology experts warned that the burglar may not be just a “local idiot” but could prove to be a homicidal lunatic as well, citing previous cases where criminals who dressed up as ninjas proved to be dangerously insane. They also speculated that dressing as a feudal Japanese assassin in order to menace citizens in their homes indicated an adolescent mindset acting out some sort of fantasy. We at KnifeBlabber wonder where we can get paid to state the stunningly obvious.
As it is, we won’t make a dime off of telling you that if the Ninja Burglar still insists on attacking homeowners with a modified rice flail, then he’s probably going to get some more holes poked in him.